the truth about where i am at.

honesty.

vulnerability.

hope.

It has been quite a few months since my last blog post. I’ve been silently observing, silently hurting, silently processing.

In short, the last few months, have been anything but pleasant. I am not sure how to even word, or communicate this, but i finally, certainly, want to try.

In 2019 @instagramforbelievers decided to rapidly grow, which was great. I do believe God has used a little instagram account, to encourage and inspire others around the globe, and for that i am eternally grateful. However, as the platform began to grow, so did the expectations, and the hate. I try my best to remain level headed through all of this, and for the last 8 years, I have. However its one thing to get these messages from people online, I can brush it off with a, “its okay because they dont know me behind the screen“– but its quite another when it comes from people in real life, that you know more than their instagram handle.

and it hurts.

its been hurting for months.

The enneagram 2 in me, the helper, the lowkey people pleaser, finally broke.

my heart hurt all over again, my confidence was shattered, my trust was completely broken, its been a different kind of hurt.

I stopped writing, I stopped caring, I stopped believing.

hurt changes people sometimes.

I began to stray, as far as I could, from anyone who had the potential to hurt me, which coincidentally was everyone.

But just as as sheep, away from his/her shepherd, away from their flock, is more vulnerable to attacks– i began to get attacked, making me feel more alone than ever. Depression started creeping it’s way back in, anxiety began to fill my mind; thoughts of unworthiness, emptiness, shame, guilt, you name it and I was there. I started to genuinely believe this was my reality, that I was not good enough to carry out the will God has for my life.

Now let me point out, in the midst of all of this my ministry HERO, someone I admire and look up to so much, has reached out to me several times,  with encouraging words, and honestly kept me in a 1% of hope, but even that felt undeserving.

So part of me truly just gave up.

So for the last three months, although I kept instagram active, I had no heart or motivation, let alone care; to put out any new content.

No blog posts, No youtube videos, no podcast, no content. I tried to force myself to be content in that.

However after three months, my soul  is tiresome, it is weary, not good and i dont want to portray anything different to you guys. So there’s my honesty, and vulnerability.

now here’s my hope,

I had a conversation with one of my best friends, I call her my favorite friend; and if im being honest, I have been a pretty crappy friend to her in the last 72 hours, so much so it lead to some hard conversations in which I explained to her, Im just not myself. She then replied.. I KNOW (haha we stan a good friend!) and in the midst of this conversation, the switch flipped (Que tik tok video) and I told her, the way I have been acting, isnt who I m, nor who I want to be. I knew my soul has been well overdue, and longing for the Lord. So between that conversation, and a zoom call with my friends over at the Initiative Network, I knew it was time to shake some things off and start heading home.

I need to be attached to the vine, always. I need to be surrounded by my other sheep.. my friends, and community.

Life is already hard, and I need to stop making it harder, by pretending I don’t need others, or that I have it all together. I DONT, and that is something im proud about. You don’t have to be alone if you don’t want to. Everyday I am reminded there are people all around the world, championing me and rooting me on in this journey.

for the one that feels alone, just know I personally, am championing you, i am cheering for you, and rooting you on in this journey! We are on the same team, and we will get through this together.

but you cant stay alone anymore, your storm is not meant for you to handle alone, its time to come back home to the father. You aren’t walking alone, I am right here with you.

there’s a way back home, for the wandering soul. There’s a peaceful calm, for the restless one, and if your so far gone you cant see the shore, just lift your eyes and look too the Lord.

our hope is in Jesus. Our safe place, Our Peace, Our Lighthouse… shining a light so we can find our way back home, we’ve been lost at sea for too long. Its time to come HOME.

-M