Journal Entry: February 23,2019
Dear God,
This isn’t me. I am not the girl who is with multiple guys, or that leaves the party pretending she got laid..
But I was.
I remember this moment being one of my most shameful, it made me feel slutty. I had matched with a cute guy on tinder, he invited me to his place to hang out. Truth be told, hanging out with guys from tinder is never just that. We had been talking for a day or two yet I said sure. When I got there, he wasn’t what I expected, I immediately knew the photo he had as his profile pic was at least 7 years ago, he looked the same but different. We chatted for a while, he went outside to smoke, and before I knew it, he started kissing me. Firstly let me say I hate smoking, it’s just not my thing. But there it was, slowly sinking the stench into me. I didn’t care, I was hurting, I was lonely, I wanted attention. Later on, our little hang out became a small party. I asked to go somewhere more private because I get uncomfortable around people I don’t know, and so we did. He pulled me into a room that belonged to a 5 year old girl, princess castles and all. The bed was too small for me to lay down on, so we sat on the floor and made out. I did what I do best, play with fire, and pull away right when it’s time to get down. ” You’re really not going to sleep with me?” he asked me. I told him I came to hang out, before it came to be a party, and I don’t want to have sex in a five year olds room, that’s just not me. “okay well can I tell them we did anyways?” I rolled my eyes and said SURE, as I got my things to leave because what even.
After I left this room into a crowd full of mostly guys chant and scream yeah, as they thought this guy got some in the other room when in fact, he got absolutely nothing. He smiled feeling proud.
In this moment I couldn’t tell which was worse, me pretending that i slept with him, or him pretending to his friends that he did so he could feel like “a man”.
I got home feeling shamed, because what if someone I didn’t see but knew was there? I would potentially be labeled as the girl who slept with the random guy at the party.
But I didn’t want that to become me. I wrote this journal entry the next morning embarrassed of what I had gotten myself into.
No matter how far I have gotten in these moments with a couple (not a lot, get that outta ur head rn!) There has always been a tug in my heart that would never get me to commit fully.
We live in a sexually driven and motivated world, we live in a broken world. When you’re not following the crowd, you don’t fit in, you get made fun of.. these are just the facts. You can say one thing going against culture, and suddenly you have become the spawn of satan, but ya know what…. that’s okay.
I didn’t share this story just to make a blog post, not at all. I wrote it to encourage the one.
For the last few months, weeks in fact, I keep asking God why me not having sex before marriage is even a thing when everyone does it (“naturally”). I truly frustrate the living crap out of myself looking like the kermit meme with the black hoodie just saying “do it and get it over with, pressure’s off there!”
Others may, I may not.
Sometimes we fail to realize that we are not of this world. We are not citizens of earth, but of heaven. They may be able to do these types of things, I may not.
Why? Because my bible says so.
Following Jesus comes with a lot of being the odd one out. It’s what we are called too. However people want to live their lives, their way.
Mark 8:34 says that if we want to be a follower of Jesus, we must deny our ways, take up our cross, and follow him.
our ways equilat the worlds way of viewing and doing things which is direct opposite of how the Lord sees things. It is a cheaper version of the original.
This world will twist everything but don’t bend, don’t break.
In the moment, these things may look good, satisfying, pleasurable… but that’s the thing, its only for a moment.
is your moment more important than the kingdom?
is your moment more important than the one who died for you?
What does a person gain if he gains the world but loses his soul? (Mark 8:36)
again I say, don’t bend don’t break. I say this because although I have been bent, I have not broken. You don’t need to conform to this world. It has nothing to offer you.
We often run to this world and their own twisted idea’s of helping us heal, helping us cope.
You feel lonely? have sex with someone. Who cares if they don’t love you
You feel numb? cut yourself, i’m sure you’ll feel.
You depressed? Open those pills and grab a bottle.
these are all momentary moments of feeling good, which is all a facade– bringing in even more unwanted guests into our minds and heart such as shame and guilt.
Joy, hope, peace, TRUE LOVE, happiness.. these things can only be found in Jesus. Him and him alone.
I’ll never forget the moment I walked out of that door into a crowd of cheering boys.
I may not have gotten it then, but I get it now
I am not THAT girl, I am a daughter of a King.
and so are you.
-M.
Romans 12:2, NASB: “And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.”
For The One 