daddy issues + depression.

welcome to my ted talk ( just kidding but seriously)

edited: PSA this blogpost is in NO WAY bashing my dad/blaming him for anything 🙂 this is just me growing up and realizing some things.

the other day, I went to a bible study; invited by a friend of mine because the topic was dealing with depression/anxiety. After my car accident in Oct 2017, I realized I started having different struggles between depression and anxiety. As time passed it started to get worse. The a bad car accident (& Surgery) + a break up equaled me spiraling out of control.

I had a bad season a few months ago, where I found myself craving any attention given to me by the opposite sex. Tinder messages every morning? You got it, lets add on Badoo, and snap chat. I had endless messages of guys asking to hang out, and told me how pretty I was everyday, what more did I need in life?! (cough cough my savior) I was quote on quote “living my best life” and honestly, It wasn’t until i talked to my mentor and she got real with me about some things that I decided to snap out of it. The reason I tell you this, is because in a moment it will all play out as to why.

fast forward to last week, I went to this bible study and one thing that stuck out to me was this, find the root of your depression.  Now for me, my depression stems A LOT from my car accident, I would say a good 90% due to the emotional and physical stress and hurt i endured. ( real story, a lot of my hair fell out after surgery/during this time!) But the other 10% of my depression came from rejection, and where did the root of my fear of rejection come from? Well, daddy issues.

The day after i heard this message, I constantly replayed this conversation in my head, connecting the root of this to the root of this, which stems from this ( so forth and so forth). As I was driving on my way to church , I had some light worship music on in the back, and next thing i know I am crying my eyes out.

Then it clicked.

growing up, my dad wasn’t involved in my life.  We met for the first time, very breifly when I was a sophomore in high school. Even then, the conversation was no more than twenty minutes, then he left and I didn’t hear from him again. He added me on facebook in 2017, and even that was short lived before i honestly got blocked (life happens!)

My mom has done a gosh dang good job raising me + my 7 siblings ALONE.

she’s never asked for help, and provided for us endlessly, and tbh we’re all spoiled.

But as much as I want to pretend my “daddy issues” doesn’t affect me, Part of it honestly does. I can’t say I never thought about why my dad isn’t apart of my life? I can’t sit here and say that part of me hasn’t questioned if it was my fault that someone could meet me, find something wrong with me, and walk out of my life like its nothing? what could be wrong with me? Why does everyone leave? (here’s where the emphasis on male relationships come in) starting from my dad, to guys i’ve dated, i convinced myself I was the issue when it came to any male relationships/friendships I’ve had. I convinced myself that part of me wasn’t worth loving, otherwise someone would have been around.

I’ve also come to the realization that no “man” in my life has ever owned up to their faults, or apologized for their wrongdoing thus making me by default think it’s all my fault.

my dad blocks me on facebook after a post– but never apologized for missing literal years of my life. my bad

i find out an ex was cheating on me– he never apologized, but said everything was my fault. my bad

I asked for a year of space and time to focus on recovery after a bad car accident– he couldn’t wait anymore. my bad

my bad. its my fault. my bad. its all my fault.

This has been a constant thought process I’ve had for YEARS on and off growing up, that is until now.

It’s okay that I finally realized where this hurt is connected to.

It’s okay that I’ve cried over this relationship/ to those guys ive dated.

Its okay to have just BE.

however, these things, this root, has weighed me down long enough and its time to pull it up.

A flower cannot over grow on a dead bud. Instead you have to chop it off, so it can re-grow in a healthy beautiful way.

to the person reading this who may feel the same way, I’m going to share with you what was shared with me,

” It’s not your fault. The person who walked out of your life missed out on something GREAT and that is getting to know YOU and the beautiful person you are (inside and out) You shouldn’t feel like something is wrong with YOU, because there’s not, it’s all them and what they are going through. “

to the person reading this, you’re not alone. You may feel rejection, but the opposite of rejection is acceptance and grace, which our incredible daddy in heaven gives to us. There is hope and freedom from this.

Personally, I am glad, i’ve figured this out now, so moving forward into new relationships, or whatever it is God is going to have me in, I can be happy, and healthy and WHOLE. Im declaring freedom and healing over these broken relationships and broken parts of my heart.

why? Because depression and anxiety,  and rejection,—-these things are not of God, they are not FROM GOD. it is an attack from the enemy doing and scheming in every way possible to keep us down. To keep the veil over our eyes so we don’t see what it truly is that God has for us.

Know that whatever your situation is, it’s not your fault. God will restore you, God will heal you. You don’t have to live in your depression and hurt, you don’t have to live in your anxiety.

You have every power to let go of all your fear, and even bitterness ( a friend once told me if you cant pray for them, you haven’t forgiven them! #OUCH)

I don’t know if this has helped anyone, but coming to the mere realization of all this has lifted a huge weight off of me and I’ve never felt more relieved.

You are loved, please never forget that

-M.